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Reader Comments |
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| MartinMunroe: (19th Apr, 2008) |
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CORRECTION:
' The ‘Fade to Black’ used horizontal is a big no no '
- That should of read, vertical!! You should never put FADE TO BLACK scrolling vertically down a page. |
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| MartinMunroe: (19th Apr, 2008) |
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Hi George,
I’m a screenwriter and would like to give you comments on your script. I’ve studied story analysis, TV script writing and features at UCLA.
Your script seems formatted incorrectly, better to have a cover sheet on your PDF with your name and script title, rather than on page one.
The ‘Fade to Black’ used horizontal is a big no no, any pro reader at an Agency, in Production, etc would see this as a screaming amateur and may even stop reading your script at that point. My teacher, a senior, working, reader at Dreamworks and most of the majors, certainly would see this as a big red flag to reject your script.
A parenthetical should, page 19 to 20, always be on one line, what are you using to save your script into PDF? If you can’t use industry standard Final Draft, download Celtx for free, it formats your script for you, use it.
Be careful on your spelling, grammar and typo’s, I spotted some, real early; Hard up guys do their best at girls who could care less - Your action scenes should flow and direct the eye, what’s actually happening here? Is the language in your action lines engaging us to SEE your script come alive for the reader?
You’ve got to hook your script reader in the first 5 pages, a strong opening scene, tell us what we see, you have a good opening scene, but your action lines are flat and vague – Muscle bound jocks pick on chess club members. What do they do? You’re the screenwriter; tell us about your world, what am I looking at? Ask yourself these questions.
Your dialogue suffers the same problem; a decent screenwriting program would let you list each character and all their lines. It helps to color each character with a unique strong voice, also character descriptions were not colorful, the more flesh you give them, the stronger they become. JOHN, FRESHAMN, WHITE GUY, doesn’t cut it, not even close.
By around page 19 I figured Brandon would end up with Julie. Predictability in Rom Com’s is a good thing, as long as you set up your two main love interests with the big inciting event.
Take a look at the new ‘Forgetting Sarah Marshall’ film, regardless if you like the film, it still follows the rules of good screenwriting, and will probably make a ton of money. I mention this movie, as you seem to be aiming for mainstream, Rom Com market. The big inciting event here is Sarah Marshall dumps our hero right in the first 5 minutes of the movie.
Why must your hero finally get together with Barri when we meet up with them years after High School, aged 28? If Barri was about to get married, then it makes sense, it raised the drama, the stakes, but as it is, I can only assume this – If he doesn’t ask her out now, he can do it next year, or hell, in ten years, when he’s 38.
My first few screenplays were awful, so you will get better and your script could be made into a sellable one, but it does need a major re-write.
Your first Act should show an event that forces your hero to do something, to switch from the path he’s always been on. Read up on the best, google the classics and read them, note the format and make sure your software is up to scratch. If you can’t afford or find classes with someone whose optioned screenplays on the craft, do a course online or at least read the many good blogs out there. Most of all watch and read as movies as you can, there’s a ton of screenplays on the net for free; Oscar winning screenplays that you should be reading and watching on the screen.
And above all else, don’t give up. Remember the screenplay re-write ends when the film is having its wrap party. |
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| LWeisberg: (27th Mar, 2008) |
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The LitPitch team votes for: Jennifer Garner as Barri, David Schwimmer as Brandon & Kate Hudson as Julie! |
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